Have you ever had one of those days when nothing seems to be going right? This morning was exactly like that. I exported my pictures last night from my laptop to free up some space. For some reason, I couldn’t pull up any of my pictures this morning. Two years worth of pictures probably lost for good. My husband and I had a disagreement about it and it just added to my frustration. My daughter smeared Nutella on her new shirt so I was trying to wash it off instead of preparing breakfast. We’re all going to be late. How can I even be frustrated this early in the morning? Today was hopeless!
Frustration was replaced by a feeling of sadness. This is the reason I started a blog. I didn’t want to feel sad…then hopeless…then something worse.
I was diagnosed with depression a long time ago. I still fight the urge to let it back into my life. I feel like I’m in a “Nightmare on Elm street” movie. I’m afraid to fall asleep for fear of the monster coming to get me. I’m afraid to feel sad because I don’t want to be in that frightening place again. Freddy is the monster I call depression and I’m the star of the movie. The choice is whether I want to be the victim or the hero.
People who have suffered through depression or know someone who has suffered from it, know how hard it is to get out of this nightmare. When I was suffering from it, I felt like I was walking in a long, dark tunnel with haze around me. There seems no hope because there’s no light to be seen and no end to the tunnel. It feels like living in state of constant sadness even when there’s no reason to be sad. It took a lot to get over it.
Depression doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t care weather you’re wealthy or poor, famous or unknown. I don’t think I would be here if it weren’t for my loving family, supportive friends, and medications (which I didn’t really believe in until I took it and felt the results). Today, it peeked it’s ugly little head and it was whispering for me to let it in. Almost like a man whispering sweet nothings, tempting and cajoling me to accept it back. There are still days I have to fight the urge to give in. There are days I have to make conscious choices to be happy.
I know today was one of those days. Today, I couldn’t even bring myself to talk with my daughter who is in college. We FT’d (Face Time) for a minute and I knew she sensed something was off with me. I didn’t want to talk longer for fear of breaking down in front of her.
I caught myself tearing up as I brushed my teeth to get ready to take my daughter to the bus stop. To others it might seem silly to shed tears without a cause but I don’t see it that way. It frightens me. I looked in the mirror and saw my unkempt hair. “Don’t give in to looking how you feel. Fix yourself.” This is what I told myself so I chose to give my hair a few brush strokes before heading out the door. I don’t want to be in that dark tunnel again. At this point, I don’t know whether I could write a PPOD today.
Once at the bus stop, my sweet nine year old tried to cheer me up by pulling me towards the plants I liked to look at every morning. My daughter in college texted and said she knew what was going on with me. She said her sister explained and she understood. She also said she was there for me when I needed to talk. How did I get so blessed to have such wonderful kids? The thought of having such great kids made me feel better although I was still feeling a little down.
On my way back home, I glanced at the corner of a building and noticed rays of light on the ground. I walked around the corner and the image of the rays going through the trees, gently streaming through the leaves and reflecting a light on the grass seemed to give me hope.
This lifted my mood enough to walk around town instead of going back home. I decided to look for things that made me happy. I found a house with beautiful roses creeping up and along its walls.
and then I found another, and another.
I walked around a few more blocks and found more objects to boost my happiness. Bikes and flowers seem to be the highlights of the day. They seem to come out of corners to be a part of the picture.
I’m glad the day didn’t continue the same way it started this morning. I let the small stuff get to me.
Hope was started by a faint ray of light I saw on the ground this morning. Its hard to explain. It’s better to show you. Look at the two pictures below. The top picture was taken this morning and the bottom one was taken in the afternoon. Same day, same place but with a different perspective and attitude.
Sometimes we just need to give ourselves time to settle down, reflect, and realize what’s really important. Today, my priority was Hope.
Life happens. Not everyday is going to be a good day. Not everyone will agree with our opinions. We will not always get our way. Things won’t always work out. But be patient. Give it time and try to focus on something good. Even just half a day makes a difference in how people feel. Even just a ray of sunshine can bring hope and happiness.
This is why I chose to end my day with the picture below. I sat near the market place fountain admiring the flowers on the ledges of the buildings around it. I’m watching kids go around and around in the fountain, splashing the birds that are trying to get a drink from it. I watched mothers having a conversation while enjoying the sunshine and watching their children play and eat their ice cream. I love the image I see. This is my image of HOPE.
For those affected by depression, don’t give up. You’re not alone. Have a nice day!